Delayed...Again

Each round of chemo is scheduled out to begin a certain day of a week and a certain week for Odettes entire treatment (46 total weeks). So far, we have not managed to start on time for any of our chemo rounds. There has been at least one week lost to sickness. This time we thought that we were going to be able to keep on going. Not that I love when Odette has chemo, but in mine and Ken's mind, the sooner we start, the sooner we can get to the end of this awful journey! (I know, don't wish your life away, but I can guarantee that the future is brighter than this!) However, today changed the starting on time plan. We had our regular blood draw and it came back that Odette's counts are too low to start tomorrow morning. They need to be at 1000 and they are currently at 100. Last time this happened, she got sick with a staff infection and it took nearly three weeks for her counts to come up with the help of some neupogen (bone marrow stimulating medicine). We were in the hospital for all of this.

Now comes the scary, frustrating, difficult time for me. I have the hardest time just relaxing when Odette is home. It usually is no fun for me, I just count the days until we go back to "safety" for Odette. She has so many drugs to keep on-what if I screw up and give to much, not enough? (Just today, the pharmacist at our home health company called and said that Odette's antibiotics/IVs were wrong and they are bringing the right ones. Might explain some of the shaking!? A whole different story that I know you don't want to hear now.) She doesn't ever want to be set down, so my body aches from trying to figure out ways to hold her that she is happy-cuz you can't sit down-and try to get something done. Even getting my teeth brushed is a huge chore! Getting people to sleep at night is such a task. Thank heavens that Ken is around to help out here, except all the kids want mom and that is frustrating to not be able to do it all. The hugest fear of all is that she is going to get sick. It doesn't matter how much we clean and sanitize, she can get sick just from her own body. I don't really want to race off to the hospital because she has a fever, because you know it will happen in the middle of the night!

I know, I know, enough complaining. Everyone has their own trials and for some reason I am suppose to be strong enough to make it through this. I pray that I can. Today I realized that maybe I need to just pray to be able to endure everything instead of me attempting to tell the Lord what I need. I am sure that he knows what I need far better than me, but in the mist of all the struggles, it is easy to forget that. The Lord does know what is best for each of us and knows our strengths and weaknesses better than we do. This is why we are tried-to discover for ourselves what these things are. (A quitter is not in either category!) For whatever reason, Odette will be home for a few more days and hopefully the joy will far out way the worry.