Thoughts

It is funny how prayers are answered.  Lately, I have been praying about lots of things, one thing in particular and that is to see the hand of the Lord in my life.  This way, I am easily able to count my many blessings and more easily be able to find the joy and peace in my life that I am in desperate need of.  In practically everything I read, hear in music or on a movie or am told by a friend, I am being shown what I need to see.  I would like to share a couple of things with you.

The first one, if you made it to your class a few Sunday's ago you probably heard it.  "We learned that all of us would have trials in our lives: sickness, disappointment, pain, sorrow, and death.  But we understood that these would be given to us for Our experience and our good.  IF we ALLOWED them to, these TRIALS would PURIFY us rather than defeat us.  They would teach us to have endurance, patience and charity."  (That is a really big if that we get to choose the consequence to.)

The second one came from a book I have been reading.  I am always really tired and sometimes lack any motivation to do anything, then I read this: "Of course you's tired.  We's all tired!  But you ain't got no choice.  You didn't pick this race...you was CHOSEN for it, and there ain't nobody said it was gonna be easy.  They'll be times when you'll be hot and tired and nearly dead, and nobody will even offer you a cup of cold water...but some will, and they'll offer just enough to keep you's runnin'.  They won't be a lot of peoples along the way, but they'll be some..."  ( I know I'm not black, but you can still apply this to any race...) 

The last one I heard while watching Pollyanna with the kids for family movie night.  Abraham Lincoln said, "When you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will."  I am sure that you can change that to the opposite and "look for the good" and that is what you will find. 

Life, definitely isn't easy, but I know that I have people bringing my family "cold water" if you will.  I know that looking for the good is one way to find true happiness and I am praying my heart out that I am letting my trials purify, rather than defeat me.

POP POP POP

Being in fifth grade means you get to participate in the science fair.  This is often a very long and tedious project.  (The parents usually do more work than the kid as I recall.)  We started at the very beginning of the year.  Since I knew that I was going to be gone to the hospital and not much help, Brandt and I picked something that he could do easily by himself.  He decided that he would air pop two different kinds of popcorn and compare them to decide which one was the best one.

 

He ran his experiment three times.  Our house was full of popcorn!  Good thing that everyone likes to eat it and that it is a healthy snack when it doesn't have tons of butter and salt on it.  He did a great job.  His only problem he ran into was burning up our popcorn popper (it was 10 years old already anyway!) and so our family benefited with a new popper from his hard work!  He discovered that really either kind of popcorn is good, just depends on everyone's taste-buds.  No one in our house could tell the difference, even though they all said that they could!

 

Brandt worked really hard and was awarded four stars for his project.  He was quite upset when he didn't get to go onto the next science fair and told me, "It's your fault mom because I had to do a stupid project.  Next year, I am going to do something awesome."  So last night he started thinking about what he is going to do.  He is definitely a perfectionist and very competitive when it comes to how smart you are. (He tells me quite frequently that he doesn't want to end up a fry cook at McDonalds when he is older.  I don't think he has anything to worry about there!)  I can't wait to see what he comes up with next year...

Healed

For our scripture study, the kids and I were reading about when the Savior was here on earth performing miracles.  He was walking in a crowd and a woman touched the hem of his garment and he asked "who touched me"?  He had felt his power and the woman was healed because of her faith.  I am sure that most of you are familiar with this story.  After we read, I try and teach the kids what we can learn and apply to our current lives from what we read.  This time the comment was made, "Mom, I wish that Jesus were here on the earth right now because we would find him and have Odette touch him."  (Personally I wish he were here too, because that would mean no more suffering for anyone.)  This comment dumbfounded me and I wasn't quite sure what to say.  I just said, "Me too." 

Later, I was thinking about this and realized, in a way Jesus is here.  We have the priesthood that can perform the same miracles that Jesus did while he was here on the earth previously if that is what is best for us.  When Odette was first diagnosed, she received a blessing.  After she had gotten her first treatment of chemotherapy and they checked for the first time for any signs of cancer, they said they could see none, her cancer is in remission.  It has stayed that way for every check for leukemia cells ever since.  Maybe Odette was "touched" by the Savior and healed.  I am sure that Odette has the faith needed as a perfect child straight from heaven, but as dumb, older humans, we don't know for sure this is the case.  So, we have to finish all of our treatment "just to make sure".   Maybe, what the kids wished during scripture study, has already occurred.

Make Up Your Mind!

Eight weeks ago we very excitedly left the hospital to begin our maintenance treatment.  The nurse that had been following us as inpatients, called and said she wasn't going to be following us anymore because all of our treatment would be through the clinic.  I am sure that you can all imagine my excitement.   A drive to the hospital, even if it was for five days in a row seemed like nothing...still eat my own food, sleep in my own house (I would say bed, but that isn't always the case.) and see all my precious little people every day.  The last time we went in for treatment, they had me make my appointment for the first of February.  They assured me that "Yes, you will just come to the clinic."  Yesterday, I called to find out Odette's blood counts because they were  being slow and I thought that she might be low on platelets because she has bruises up and down her legs.  (I was wrong, she was at 239.  It is just all the crawling around causing her knees to be black and blue.)  They informed me then that they thought we would be in-patient next week for treatment, but would ask our Dr.  Today, because I am impatient, I called and guess what?  Odette's doctor is on vacation for two weeks!  (Who gave him permission to do that! :))  So now, it is a debate.  The past says she should be in, but lots of people do it out....They said by Thursday we will know for sure.  What a pain.  I want what is best for my little "Better Detters" so of course I will take her in for the week, however it sure would be nice if they could figure it out soon-it's not like I have nothing else to take care of!

Kids love Grandmas

I have been a big slacker lately.  I haven't had much time or the desire to keep things updated on the blog.  If I have a free minute I usually just sit and stare at the wall or out the front window to make sure life outside of my house is still continuing on.  (Besides, my front window has the best view of the valley and sunrises!)  Being the only member of my family that lives in Utah, is sometimes frustrating and lonely.  I miss all of the fun times to be spent with my siblings, most baby blessings and baptisms (a lot since there will soon be 21-I think, grand-babies), graduations and just being close enough to have a hug.  I am grateful to be part of a large and awesome family, who, even though they are all far away have managed in my struggles to love, care, serve and give me hope.

A couple of weeks ago we were privileged to have the kids Great Grandma Christensen come to visit.  She came down for a wedding and lucky for us remembered we weren't to far away.  The kids enjoyed showing her their bedrooms, since she had never been to our home, playing games, eating dinner and having family night with her.  Brandt now calls her every Sunday to check up on her and change recipes.  (Brandt has decided that he wants to start cooking!  Katie, you need to do an internship close to me so you can teach him the "right" ways!)  It was nice to have some family around, even if it was for just a few hours.  The kids are always excited to have a Grandma come visit.  Maybe it is because of all the endless amounts of LOVE GRANDMAS have to offer.

Food

So on Saturday, I did as the occupational therapist said and gave Odette only enough water through her feeding tube to keep her hydrated.  The idea was to see how hungry Odette would have to get before she would open her mouth and eat.  Evidentally she is going to be really good at fasting because she didn't hardly open her mouth all day.  I tried any liquid-that had calories(I already know she will drink water out of her sippy cup.) She would take maybe a sip and if she didn't like it she would refuse that cup any time it was offered, even if I had changed what was in it.  By 3 p.m. she finally drank about an ounce of carnation instant breakfast chocolate flavor in regular milk.  Solid food wise, she loves to play with it and say "Mmmmm" but it doesn't go into her mouth.  She licked some tastes of yogurt and pudding, ate about a teaspoon of squash and by 6 at night she finally ate half a jar of apples and chicken.  That is the grand total of what she ate...there was plenty of food on the floor and squished in her hair to clean up. 

Not only did she not eat, but she never napped either because, I am guessing that her tummy hurt.  So, by 8:30 that night I gave in and fed her her formula in the tube and she went to bed and actually slept all night in her own crib with only one wimper (not even a cry!) 

We have changed her to a different formula and it has been 4 days since she puked!  Hopefully this will help.  I continue to offer food at each feeding and clean up way more food than what gets eaten.  Every three or four days we will be trying the "starving" method to see what happens.  Personally I hope that she just gets the desire to eat and does so soon!  Hopefully watching Josselyn eat anything and everything will be some sort of encouragement!

Best Buddies

 Anyone who knows Josselyn will completely understand and imagine this post.  Each day I anticipate when I will hear, "Good morning momma, I waked up!"  Josselyn is quite the character and you never know what you will get from her, good, bad or ugly.  (Jumping on anything-couches or beds and drawing on everything are her recent favorites.)  Once Josselyn is awake, it is a guarentee that Odette will be awake and, unless I "hide" Josselyn from her, there will not be a nap taken all day!  When the two of them are together, there is non-stop giggling.

Today was exactly that...lots of giggles and silliness.  We were downstairs in one of my favorite rooms in the house-my sewing/scrapbook room.  I had told the girls that I needed to finish a dress that 7 months ago I had started for a neighbor.  (If I didn't, it wouldn't be fitting her.)  Josselyn decided that they were going to play princess-what else do girls play?  She saw some stickers that she said was a crown and stuck them to Odette's head.  When asked why she didn't put the "crown" on her head she replied, "I have hair so it won't stay on-duh!" 

Next was the "scary" part that actually, lately is a common occurance...Josselyn picked up Odette to carry her to her throne.  Josselyn thinks she is the real big sister who can pick up Odette because, "she is a little baby mom, I can carry her."  She made it to her throne safely, where I let her rule for long enough to snap a picture.  I then convince Josselyn that she could lay Odette on a carriage-the blue cutting mat- and pull her all around.  They were entertained by this and they played for the two hours I needed to finish the project!

I was worried about having another baby, but now I can totally see why it happened.  Odette and Josselyn are made for each other.  They each make one another laugh and smile and make it through the day until their "guys" are home from school.  When they get a little bigger, I am going to be in trouble because they will work well together to plot grand schemes I am sure, but for now I am content to enjoy their imagination and laughter every day.

Seven Months

Seven months ago, you would not have been able to convince me that I would make it to January.  It seemed like an eternity away and back then, even one day lasted forever!  I also never thought that the stress of things would subside and I would be able to relax some.  What seemed so stressful and difficult to do has now become second nature, like changine a diaper(we also do plenty of this!).  A puked out feeding tube use to bring me to tears because I didn't want to put it in and I would pray the only time she would puke it out would be when the home health nurse was here.  Now, I am known to even pull it out myself because it can irritate her throat and cause even more than normal barfing if not cleaned or replaced.  It has become part of the norm, as did dressing changes, running fluids, flushing central line, taking temperatures and giving medicines...not that we like doing it, but we do it. (No, I do not really want to be a nurse in the future.)

Now, while we are concerned about all sorts of stuff, we have one main concern--getting Odette to eat.  She, for a few months at the hospital loved to eat, especially mashed potatoes and gravy, but after the last three treatments, she decided it wasn't worth doing.  We are trying pretty much anything...she loves to play with food and say "Mmmm" and hold it up to her mouth, but it never goes inside for swallowing.  I am sure that someday she will eat pretty much everything, it is just getting to that day that seems difficult.

Our other "concern" is we are running a pharmacy at our house!  I wish that Odette would get calories out of all the medicine she has to take!  I wish this, not just because she needs the calories, but because all of her medicines cost about $60 a week, which is what we usually spend on groceries!!  I am attempting to slowly wean her from her anti-nausea drugs, but each time I get her off one, we go in for some stronger chemo and she needs it again.  Oh well, I will take the drug store over living in a 5x8 cubical that doesn't even compare to a Marriott Hotel, but costs at least 10 times for a night!

In seven months, we have cried, laughed, screamed, loved, learned, played, giggled, drove thousands of miles and caught lots of puke.  It has been rough, scary and difficult, but there are a few things we have perfect knowledge of: Families are the best people to be around, our Heavenly Father LOVES us and Cancer Sucks for everyone.

Packages

Who doesn't absolutely love to get a package or a letter in the mail?  I know that we shouldn't care about the physical things in life, that they really aren't that important, but getting a package or love note in the mail just makes my day!  (As long as you aren't PCMC or affiliated to them in any way!)  To me it means that someone is thinking about me and caring about me as they make or purchase something to send to me and my kids.  I think it is great to get stuff in the mail, (except for those bills already pouring in from Primary Children's--welcome new year and new deductable to meet.)  Anyway, today we got a package from my sister.  She had made the cutest bag that has embriodered on it "I love my leukemia fighter".  in orange!  You can also see the hats she sent the little girls that they are wearing in the picture...so cute and warm!!  I wonder if she can make them in my size and I would look as cute as Josselyn and Odette?

Scope Results

On Monday when Odette went in for her regular chemotherapy, the GI doctor did a scope.  When he came out, he had some beautiful pictures to show me of Odette's throat, stomach and intestine, all of which looked totally perfect.  He then said he had taken some tissue samples to test and would get back to me by Thursday with any results. 

The throat and stomach everything looked and came up perfect, but in the small intestine they found allergic cells.  Don't quite understand them because when he was explaining them to me, Josselyn picked up the phone in the other room and proceeded to make lots of noise.  Anyway what it boils down to is Odette probably has had some reaction to some of the drugs she has been on and it has caused these cells.  What do we do to take care of this problem you ask?  We take more medicine!  So, Odette has one new drug to take for three weeks and then we will see if it has helped at all.  We also will need to be seeing an Occupational Therapist to see if we can convince her to begin eating again.  Once she is eating "real" food again and we can take her tube out, chances are that she will finally quit puking.  Hopefully this will be quicker than what I believe it will be!

Just Keep Swimming

Most days I find myself singing in my mind some song that seems to pertain to whatever life has given me at the moment.  Sometimes they bring comfort, words of wisdom  and other times a smile that is much needed.  This week it has been the same song over and over again.  It is the one on Finding Nemo that Dori sings...Just Keep Swimming.  Maybe this one is going through my head because it is hanging on my bathroom wall.  (It fit the decor in a bathroom full of fish, plus was a little motivational I thought.)

This week has been super busy...they always are when Ken works seven in a row.  It seemed at times I wasn't going to survive even five more minutes, but then I would here this song.  I guess it doesn't matter what stroke your swimming or if it is perfect.  What matters is you are trying and keeping your head up. (Even if its for a quick breath!)

Odette Update

The main reason I even started this blog was to keep people posted on how Odette was doing so that I didn't have to answer the question, "How is Odette?"  a hundred times a day.  So, I figured that I better give an update on what has been happening lately.

I have discovered that "Your daughter has leukemia" is like a rock that is dropped in a still pond.  It completely disrupts the stillness and sends out all sorts of ripples.  Odette having leukemia is huge, but there are no areas in our life that haven't been touched by the ripples from this dropped rock.  It has completely overturned our lives and what was, is not any more and what wasn't is more like the norm.  Super frustrating for all parties.

Odette might have an immune system now, more than she use to, but we still don't want to risk taking her anywhere to catch something.  Besides, who wants to take a puking kid that is almost always attached to a tube anywhere anyway?!  So, it's not like I can say, "there is a good sale on chicken at Macey's, lets go shopping today."  I have to really plan out our food needs so that someone (Ken usually) can stop and get stuff.  All activities have to be planned when both adults are around so that one can take the "big" kids while the other stays at home to catch barf.

Yes, you might have figured that Odette is still puking.  While not as much, it is about once a day still.  She is being fed 27 calorie formula through her feeding tube and she doesn't eat anything by mouth yet.  Every now and again she will act like she wants something, but then she shakes her head and doesn't let you put it in.  Good news is that she does frequently like to sip water out of a cup...I guess that can be considered progress.

Right now Odette is running a little low on blood, which is super stressful because I worry if I should take her in or not.  Kind of like "Does my child have an ear infection or just teething?"  I hate to second guess myself, but as we have learned well, better safe than sorry!  The sign is she is really sleepy all the time, but when Josselyn is around she doesn't want to sleep at all, low or not!

On Monday, I will be taking Odette in to get a spinal tap.  This is where they put in three types of chemo drugs into her spinal fluid to kill any leukemia cells that may be hiding out there.   They put her out for this and it is about a 10 minute process.  This time she will also be having a scope done to see if there is anything that is causing the puking.  I guess it is like a camera that they put down the throat, to the stomach and then to the intestines.  They say this should only take an added 15 minutes.  She will also be getting some other chemo and then we should be free to go home.  (As long as, you guessed it, she doesn't get a fever!)

Odette is loving being at home and has finally figured out how to crawl and is trying to figure out how to go up the stairs!  I am so excited that she is moving, but forgot how much more work is involved!  Now, if she could only walk and then she wouldn't be touching the floor with her hands!  She is still the baldest kid I have ever had, but she has some fuzzy stuff growing back in!  It is a really light color for now...maybe a blonde child?!  She is so happy and loves to imitate everyone.  Her favorite is to squeal(scream) every time Josselyn starts to talk!  While having Odette at home is no cake walk, it is definitely worth it!

LIVE

I can't believe that is already January, the beginning of yet another year!  I went to take the garbage out the other day and froze my toes in the flip flops I had on.  In my mind, it is still June.  I haven't mentally gotten past the words, "Your daughter has leukemia."  To me, time seems to have stopped, but obviously it is still going on.  It is so strange to me how your mind can do this, probably as a defense mechanism.  I feel so awful, I have missed so much that has changed an happened lately, being stuck in my month of June.

So with the enlightenment of knowing it is a new year, we had our yearly family home evening to discuss making resolutions.  The kids had some really cute ones: Don't interrupt (especially when mom is on the phone with the hospital), work faster(so they can play more I am sure!) and smile more(my personal favorite).  Me, I had a hard time thinking of anything.  I use to make a goal to learn a new skill every year, but until the kids are bigger and I have more time this isn't such a wise idea.  The things I have learned are getting to big and expensive and I like them all!  (One room isn't big enough to hold it all.)  I am also way to tired to make a list of goals because that is just another "to do list" and I have enough on my current list already, so I was inspired by a friend who chose just a word for the year...what an awesome idea to improve on one word...so the word I chose is LIVE.  That might seem like a dumb word, but after just surviving the past 7 months, it seemed fitting.  I haven't taken time to live lately.  I am merely in survival mode.   I am going to try and live in the moment and enjoy it.  Not be so wrapped up in things with Odette that I don't notice life going on with those around me, afterall I have so many other wonderful people in my life.  I am going to try to live life a little more fully and enjoy every moment because the moments are passing by, never to return.  I hope you all have a great new year!

Matching Dresses

I finally did it!  I got all the girls dressed in their new Winter dresses at the same time.  I have always loved to dress the kids alike.  This year, miracles (great friends) happen, and I had enough time to finish sewing the girls dresses.  I, of course, love them, even though Kathleen's is a little long-I think she is taller than she is.  Josselyn says that it is too itchy, so she needs a shirt underneath, but the other girls like them. They actually turned out better than I thought they would and didn't cost too much because I used (no laughing) material that was left over from my bridesmaid dresses and my current kitchen curtains!  You didn't know that curtains could look so good did you?!