Excitement

I'm so excited and I just can't hide it! For some reason I have been super excited to be home for the weekend...could it be that we only have one more major round of chemotherapy where we have to be admitted to the hospital and then we, I pray, get to do the rest of Odette's treatment as outpatient?! I thought the day would never come that we would be able to decipher what our new "normal" life would be like!

Sure, it is still a long road ahead for Odette, but at home with all the best medicine sisters and a brother can give it will be a much happier road! Odette still has a little over 32 weeks of treatment to endure. The chemo is suppose to be much "nicer" (if you can say those two words in the same sentence) and shouldn't affect her counts as much. This means, a more healthy, happy child that should learn to crawl, walk and eat! So we can get rid of the very ugly, yellow tube that has been taped to her face for the past 5 months! She is beautiful with it taped there, I can only imagine what she will look like without it! Sure there is going to be more work for us here at home with being a full time nurse, mom and housekeeper, (thank heavens Ken is so willing to help) but to be home is a dream I thought would never come true!

I know we will be back at the hospital every now and again for blood, platelets and to visit the awesome staff at ICS. Hopefully we won't be back for any fevers or other strange things. I am sure we will have quite the pharmacy of drugs here (like I don't already) that I will have to keep track of giving at all the right times, but I have so many things to be excited for...hopefully home for the holidays, a one year old birthday party that we were unsure of making it to 5 months ago and, the best of all, maybe the puke will end! What more could you want in life?!

Lessons Learned

So you know how it is always said, "We go through trials to learn lessons and become stronger." Sometimes going through the trial, you do like I have done and just try and keep your head above water. Who cares what you are learning, you just don't want to drown! Well, today as I was driving, I was thinking, which is rare (because then I can't concentrate on driving because of all the tears!) and I realized one of the reasons why I am going through the trial of having and caring for a very sick little girl.

Ken has always told me that I am way to nice. Many people have also told me that I need to learn to say "No". I have always loved pretty much everyone and always said yes in helping someone else, even if it seemed impossible to do or caused my day to be extremely chaotic. In going through my trial, I have had to swallow my pride and have so many people help me instead of the other way around. It has been difficult and often embarrasing to admit that I can't do this alone. HUMILITY

I have had the opportunity to be the compasionate service leader a few times and I loved it...I love to serve, care and feel for others. Now, I can care one step more because I have walked in places that not many get the chance to walk in and felt things that not just anyone can understand. I have a deeper understanding of the unconditional love that our Father in Heaven has for each of us, no matter what our circumstance. (Or how dumb we behave.)

While at the hospital, I have prayed that I could be of help to someone every day. Amazingly, I have been able to do this because all wounds aren't healed with a casserole. I have made friends and connected with people on a whole new level. I have never felt so much love and understanding for people that I hardly know. It is the most amazing and overwhelming feeling--indescribable. I know that the more you are willing to give, even if you don't think you have anything to give, you will be blessed 100 fold! It seems crazy to give someone $10 when you don't really have it to give, but then to get $1000 in return...what can I say? Obviously CHARITY NEVER FAILETH.

What would you do?

This week is an unexpected week. We were suppose to be able to have Odette at home with the family until friday when she was going to start her "last" chemo before our maintenance chemo began. I guess I should be use to change in plans since we can't really plan for more than five minutes in advance, but this week has me frustrated and overly emotional.

When I was told on Monday morning to bring Odette in just for a check-up my heart sank. When have we ever just had a check-up and been able to leave the building? Once at the doctors office, they drew labs and the nurse came back and said, "just so you know her counts (what make up her ability to fight diseases) are zero". I knew then that we had just bought ourselves an admittance to the hospital . It didn't help when they said, "and she needs blood". This means a fever is incoming. I didn't give up hope though and when it looked like she wasn't going to get a fever and we might escape I went and got her medicine from the pharmacy. When I got back guess what had happened--a fever! Goodbye $20 for the medicine that I now no longer needed and hello hard pull-out bed and cafeteria food-Yuck!

In the drama of the day I also missed getting my N1H1 shot, so Ken and I arranged for a day of driving and chaos so I could get my shot while he was at the hospital. So, I got my shot and grabbed the kids from school so I could race them to scouts and grandmas and get back to the hospital so Ken could get the kids home before to late. What a crazy whirlwind. My heart is so torn and I am starting to fall apart. Josselyn grabbed my leg and wouldn't let go and said "Don't leave my mom. I want you to be by me." Kathleen keeps hugging me and saying she loves me through tears and asking when I will be back and whispering "can't you stay with us mom?" Brandt of course is the tough guy and tries to just say by and walk away. It takes me almost a half hour to bring myself to leave. I want so much to be with the kids, but an eleven month old is miserable with gas pain, a bum rash that looks like something chewed on her butt (something did-5 kinds of antibiotics) and also crying for her mommy is waiting for me. What to do? Ken is an excellent dad/husband and has been doing great to balance all that is required of him. (Its no small task to work full time and then come home and be a mom full time and sometimes a nurse at the hospital--never time for a break.) The kids love for him to cook cuz he does the yummiest food, not just the quickest.

I know there really isn't much of a choice...you do what you have to do, whether it breaks your heart or not. You just tell yourself and the kids everything is going to be alright and soon we will be back together. You be strong for them, and then walk out the door and let the tears begin. What else can you do when your torn between places and all you want is to hold each of your children every day and sleep in the same room as the person you are married to...

M.O.O

MOO stands for Monday Orange for Odette! It was so great to hear and see how many people wore their orange shirts to show that they were in support of Odette. (Even if orange is not one of your favorite colors like it is mine!) I know that times are tough for pretty much everyone and this is a simple, inexpensive way to show Odette and her family that you care. Knowing that you are cared for can make all the difference in the world. I know that our family thinks that it is great-they thought it was awesome to see other kids at the bus stop with the same t-shirts on. It made them feel like someone else loves and understands their situation. (At least as you can hope to...I hope that no one can ever truly say they understand the situation!) Send us your pictures of your MOO day and thanks so much for showing us you care!!

Playing Doctor

Josselyn loves "her Odette". When Odette is at the hospital, Josselyn will call and ask just to talk to her, she doesn't ever really want to talk to the parent that is there with Odette. She will talk as long as you will let her hold the phone and Odette will smile and sometimes attempt to squawk back. It is very sweet.

The other day, when I snuck a potty break, I was ready to come back mortified at something Josselyn had done while I was away for thirty seconds. (Because this is always how it is...potty accidents, food all over, anything you don't think of she does!) Instead, I found quite the cute and pleasant sight. Josselyn was dressed up in all the doctor gear that we have, gloves, mask and the "listening thingy" and was taking good care of Odette who was laughing and helping her listen to her stomach.

It is obvious that Odette is greatly loved by her big sister. Odette loves her siblings also. She grows and does so much better when she is here at home under the care of the "little people doctors". I know they can always get her to be happy and what better medicine is there than a little extra love and TLC? I can't complain either because it is free services!

This is My Life

While driving home from the hospital this week, I did as I usually do...I cried. I should be so happy that I am coming home with a beautiful baby girl that has decided it is okay to laugh again. I am very happy, but also very overwhelmed and extremely tired. Music always has had a great amount of influence on me, for good or bad. It seems that every time I get in my van to go anywhere I hear a song that hits home and I am always crying. (You would think that I would learn to turn the music off and just travel in silence!) This time it was Garth Brooks-the one where it sings "I will sail my vessel til the river runs dry..." Why on earth did I start to cry! Maybe you can listen to it and tell me why.

Anyway, Odette is home until Friday the 13th of November. (Good thing we aren't superstitious.) We will then be taking her back for her last round of chemo and then we are on what the doctors call maintenance. (Something that four months ago seemed like we would never make it to.) This is still chemo, but a lot less intense and we will be able to do the chemo drugs at home and have our home nurse come and take blood draws a few times a week. Then we just pray we don't get a fever and have to go to the hospital for that. We are looking forward to this time where maybe life can become a little "normal". Of course it will have its difficulties-I hope I can keep up with all the housework and kids homework and Ken will be back to work for a more regular schedule.

Currently, we are just taking one step at a time...the only Christmas song that has come to my mind "take one step in front of the other and soon you'll be walking out the door..." (If you haven't watched the Kris Kringle show you won't know that one.) Sometimes I don't think that I can even take one more step. Odette is constantly puking again and you can't sit her down without lots of tears and of course that makes more puke. So, instead of getting anything done, more messes are just coming. I am so glad to have her with the other kids though because everyone is more happy, but I have to stop myself from thinking the "grass is greener" at someone else's house. So often I wish I wasn't me...can't I just have four screaming kids that are fighting and making a mess, that each have an immune system and for the most part sleep at night? Why do I live in fear of fevers, nose tubes being puked up and giving wrong medicine? (I think we have 9 different ones now.) I know that everyone has "issues" that would make their grass not so green, but right now I don't think I have any grass!

This is my life...full of craziness, tears (of joy and sorrow that don't just belong to me, but everyone in my family-children included) and puke. For some reason I/we need to have this life right now and someday's I understand and others I don't. Today it is because we have been married 13 years and I have been told that the 7th and 13th years are the hardest ones in marriage...so far they are correct...at least I haven't been told any other years that stink so maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel! When this is all over, I am sure I will have learned and been made stronger. I know the Lord is walking me through this every step of the way...through the laughter and the tears...because when I can't take that next step he picks me up and carries me.

Halloween

This year for halloween I was really stressing out. I usually have costumes all made by the end of September and their is never any question as to what the kids will be. However, this year, a week and a half before the holiday, I still didn't know what the kids would be and obviously didn't have any time to make anything for them.

Great Grandma must have known my frustration and decided to be helpful and hold her funeral a few days before hand. Thanks to the Schiess side of the family, the three older kids got to spend Halloween in Disneyland and I didn't have to dress anyone up except for Odette...who is easy because she hasn't developed the picky jean yet!!

We dressed Odette up in Josselyn's old monkey costume. She looked cute in it for a while, but we didn't leave it on long because it was so hot for her and us to hold her. She did get to go on parade in the hall to show off her costume and met up with cat in the hat, a pirate, dorothy and a bumble bee. She didn't eat any candy, but had fun letting the Dr. and Nurses trick-or-treat her candy bucket!

BELIEVE

I love one word "phrases" that mean so much. If you ever come into my house, they are posted everywhere. I put them up to remind me (and hopefully the rest of the people that live here) of lessons taught and learned. Lately, it is BELIEVE. It is funny how one word can trigger a string of thoughts, feelings and emotions. In many things I have been told, scriptures I have read recently and music that keeps playing in my mind, the word that has been frequently "popping" up is BELIEVE. I wanted to share a few shortened thoughts:

• BELIEVE-Do not fear
• If only you BELIEVE...
• BELIEVE in yourself.
• He BELIEVES in what your doing.
• He BELIEVES in who you are.
• BELIEVE in the Savior, Jesus Christ.
  

I only wish I could have you hear what is playing in my head, it sounds so much better. I do know that BELIEVING is half the battle. If you can do this much, miracles can, will and DO happen.

Farewell Grandma by the Ocean

Thirteen years ago, not only did I marry a wonderful man, but I got to inherit another Grandma. She wasn't at the wedding, so we went to visit her in California for our honeymoon (and of course go to Disneyland!) I have always loved grandmas, whether mine or someone elses. They are special people who have so much knowlege and love to share with us younger, less experienced people.
Over the years, our family has enjoyed writing love notes to Grandma and calling her on the phone and once in a while being able to make the trip to visit again.












A couple of years ago, Grandma decided to come and live with Ken's parents. We were all excited because we could now spend more time with her. We enjoyed taking her out shopping at JC Pennys, to dinner, to the aquarium, and I think our favorite was having her over to dinner (Ken would always cook something yummy and impressive!) and we would watch a movie together. It was great bonding time and the kids loved being around someone who has unconditional love for them. She was always happy and positive.

While we are all sad that she is gone, we know that she is at home. She is happy and watching over us. She told me that when she finally died-since she prayed for it daily-that she would help me take care of Odette. I know that she is watching over all her family. We love you Great Grandma!