What would you do?

This week is an unexpected week. We were suppose to be able to have Odette at home with the family until friday when she was going to start her "last" chemo before our maintenance chemo began. I guess I should be use to change in plans since we can't really plan for more than five minutes in advance, but this week has me frustrated and overly emotional.

When I was told on Monday morning to bring Odette in just for a check-up my heart sank. When have we ever just had a check-up and been able to leave the building? Once at the doctors office, they drew labs and the nurse came back and said, "just so you know her counts (what make up her ability to fight diseases) are zero". I knew then that we had just bought ourselves an admittance to the hospital . It didn't help when they said, "and she needs blood". This means a fever is incoming. I didn't give up hope though and when it looked like she wasn't going to get a fever and we might escape I went and got her medicine from the pharmacy. When I got back guess what had happened--a fever! Goodbye $20 for the medicine that I now no longer needed and hello hard pull-out bed and cafeteria food-Yuck!

In the drama of the day I also missed getting my N1H1 shot, so Ken and I arranged for a day of driving and chaos so I could get my shot while he was at the hospital. So, I got my shot and grabbed the kids from school so I could race them to scouts and grandmas and get back to the hospital so Ken could get the kids home before to late. What a crazy whirlwind. My heart is so torn and I am starting to fall apart. Josselyn grabbed my leg and wouldn't let go and said "Don't leave my mom. I want you to be by me." Kathleen keeps hugging me and saying she loves me through tears and asking when I will be back and whispering "can't you stay with us mom?" Brandt of course is the tough guy and tries to just say by and walk away. It takes me almost a half hour to bring myself to leave. I want so much to be with the kids, but an eleven month old is miserable with gas pain, a bum rash that looks like something chewed on her butt (something did-5 kinds of antibiotics) and also crying for her mommy is waiting for me. What to do? Ken is an excellent dad/husband and has been doing great to balance all that is required of him. (Its no small task to work full time and then come home and be a mom full time and sometimes a nurse at the hospital--never time for a break.) The kids love for him to cook cuz he does the yummiest food, not just the quickest.

I know there really isn't much of a choice...you do what you have to do, whether it breaks your heart or not. You just tell yourself and the kids everything is going to be alright and soon we will be back together. You be strong for them, and then walk out the door and let the tears begin. What else can you do when your torn between places and all you want is to hold each of your children every day and sleep in the same room as the person you are married to...