One daughter awake crying from nightmares about snakes at 2 am.
Another daughter awake crying at 2:30 am because of a poopy diaper.
One daughter awake crying for mommy at 2:45 am to sleep by her, but she will have to have dad because mom is busy with another little girl and is asleep on the living room floor.
Alarm goes off at 5:45 am.
It's way to early.
Two little girls are already awake.
It's cloudy and yucky outside.
Big kids decide to argue and fight at breakfast.
One kid needs mouth washed out with soap.
Four kids are crying.
One mom is crying and has a broken heart.
Mom has heard "I hate you" too many times this morning.
It's only 7 am.
The kids make it to the bus on time, but with no smiles or happy goodbyes.
I have to say goodbye to my sister for a few days.
Dad can't get out of bed for work.
HEADACHE.
Call the Doctor-"Be here in half hour."
Give one daughter drugs.
Forget to feed the other one.
It's only 8:30.
Get to the doctor 20 minutes late.
Call and order chemo medicine that needs to be picked up today.
How am I going to get up there?
Girls crying in the car.
Dad's head still hurts. Very drugged up.
Get home...what a mess!
I sit down and cry.
I can't do this anymore.
I want a room to lock myself in forever, where there is no stressful reality.
Where there isn't so much required from one person.
No time for this right now.
Grab some lunch.
It's some Red Vines licorice and chocolate cereal straws.
Put the girls back in the car to go pick up drugs.
While driving in the car, I hear this song:
I Came To Win
I didn't come this far to turn back now, no
To turn my back on all that I believe, yeah
'Cause everything so far is workin' out, yeah
It's even better than anything I dreamed, yeah
And I know the war is waging
Waging for my soul
But there's no way you can shake me
'Cause there's somewhere I wanna go
And I'm not giving up and I'm not giving in
There's just too much to believe in
And I'm not goin' down and I'm not goin' away
This is my time, it's my day
When there's so much that's at stake
I'm gonna hold on to my faith
And I'm not giving up and I'm not giving in
I came to win
Yeah
I came to win
I really want it & I'm not holding back, no
Though it may call for everything in me, yeah
I know it's worth it so I'll do all I can, yeah
Through God's grace I'll taste my victory, yeah.
And They say that I can't make it
Or tell me that I'm wrong
But you know I can't believe it
'Cause what I'm feeling is so strong
And I'm not giving up and I'm not giving in
There's just too much to believe in
And I'm not goin' down and I'm not goin' away
This is my time, it's my day
When there's so much that's at stake
I'm gonna hold on to my faith
And I'm not giving up and I'm not giving in
I came to win
Yeah
I came to win
(By: Jenny Jordan Frogley)
Then I remember why I am here.
I remember what is really important.
I remember that I can't let Satan win.
I remember that I am loved without ends by many people.
I remember who I am and I have renewed strength to continue on.
I get a phone call and someone is going to get the chemo drugs for me.
Take the girls home.
Messed up melting chocolate to cover the desert my sister made.
Doesn't bother me, I just throw it away.
It's not important.
Played with the little girls.
Had a yummy snack with my big kids and talked about school.
Worked together and got our jobs done.
Ate eggs for dinner.
Because fancy doesn't matter.
Talked to my mom and told her I loved her.
Because family matters.
Got one child to scouts.
Got three other kids bathed.
Covered each of my kids up and told them I loved them no matter what.
Because that matters.
My family is important.
They inspire me to continue on.
They remind me every day that I didn't come here to give up on life,
I CAME TO WIN!
Beautiful Steph. You made me cry. How I wish I was there to give you a hug and help out. Please don't hesitate to call if you ever want to.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Steph, I needed that, too. :)
ReplyDeleteYes, that was beautiful. We are so truely blessed to have family! I remember a time I my life 6 yrs ago when I was very lonely. No kids, my husband was in Afghanistan and my parents and brother were on missions. My house was spotless. I wouldn't trade what I have now for that. I love my family even with all the stress, messes, lack of sleep, and craziness. It's so worth it to have family in your life that you get to love and take care of. You are doing awesome Stephanie!
ReplyDeleteI love it. Gosh, I think we all needed to hear that! You are such an inspiration to me.
ReplyDeleteI should be your shoulder to cry on and help you cope, but you've made me remember what's important. And as I was reminded today, whatever my problems are, it could always be worse, so be thankful for what I do have.
ReplyDeleteSure do think you are a great person and mother. I wish so badly that we could have met each other in different circumstances, but since it is what it is..I'm so glad to know you. Your faith is inspirering and I thank you for it. Please let me know if I can help. Always sending prayers for your cute Odette and Family. Thanks always!
ReplyDeletePass the Kleenex, please! Stephanie, thank you so much for this post! It's so refreshing to read your blog; to read something REAL about struggles and feelings and hope in the Savior. I feel like I should be the one offering you encouragement and it is always the other way around. You're such a good friend & example. Love ya!
ReplyDelete