Today, Odette went in for surgery. Surgery is never a little thing, especially for someone who is frequently low on the essentials to keep a body working great. Odette was scheduled to get a port. This is another way for her to receive her chemo treatments. This is "hidden" under the skin. This meant that she wouldn't have to cry during dressing changes that occured at least weekly. No more worrying about flushing the line or if she was chewing on the line or if it got in her diaper or was being crawled upon. It wouldn't matter how messy she got so I might let her try more foods. Most of all it meant she could get wet-all the way wet! To me it sounded like a dream come true and for all the people I talked to it was the greatest thing.
I think in all my excitement, I forgot what Odette was going to have to endure once again. Now, as I sit here holding her, I am reminded and I feel awful. She got a port and all that went well. However, the doctor, who must think that I am the stupid mom, didn't leave it de-accessed. Now she has a huge bump at the lower end of her rib cage...she isn't going to crawl or roll anywhere with that! It needs to stay accessed for the entire week until her next blood draw. She is bleeding from the two cuts and she is in an obviously large-for her- amount of pain.
A bath is definitely not worth what I made her go through today...socks, a plastic glove and lots of tape worked just fine over her PICC line (which is now history) to play in the water. I know that by the end of the week her body will start to heal and things will look up, but for them moment what's done is done. I have a little miserable girl that the only thing I can do is hold and tell her it will all be ok...I hope.
Oh Stephanie, I am so sorry. I hope the time goes very fast for you and for her. You are certainly doing the best you can...an amazing job that is! I know what you mean about going back in time...I pretty much wish that all the time!
ReplyDeleteYou are a great mom, I know in this moment you don't feel that way but you have and are willing to give everything for your kids. I don't believe for a minute you made the decision based just on what it would mean to you but what it will mean to Odette to have the freedoms it will give her. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are doing your best and it is enough. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteYou are way too hard on yourself, mama. I seriously seriously doubt that you are ever selfish, it's just not in your nature. Odette will bounce back soon, she always does, and until then, enjoy a little extra cuddle time. :)
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